Human beings can be both fascinating and frustrating in equal measure, most are able to exercise our rights of ‘choice’, sometimes to our own detriment.
On one hand, we have an ability to learn from mistakes, however, on the other, some repeatedly make intentional bad choices.
People who are emotionally and mentally balanced, would consider it ridiculous, to repeatedly put themselves through negative situations which result in negative outcomes.
However, others, who are not holistically balanced, who have not adequately dealt with their past, do not find it so easy.
Think about it…
Those who claim that the past is unimportant, especially in relation to dating and sex, tend to be individuals who move from relationship to relationship, never really spending more than a few years with one person.
Those who claim to have a “type” don’t appear to realise that their preferred “type”, is probably not what’s best for them.
That truth is usually evident, as they move from one relationship to another, following the “type” and yet never establishing relationships with any form of permanency.
Then there are those individuals, who are so sure of what they want, down to the finest detail and refuse (with a certainty and inflexibility) to be swayed.
They are usually those who spend a long time being single, which is fine, if you’re refusing to settle, due to the unavailability of the person they would like to be with, or in state 1 or 3 of being single, not so fine, if you are in state 2.
Most of us have been there, however, if we are honest with ourselves and accept the observations of those closest to us.
After honest introspection, we can learn from our mistakes and intentional bad choices, mature and develop ourselves by being humble enough to ask for help.
That help can come in many forms, from reading some books to attending a course or even receiving some counselling.
So you’ve made the adjustments necessary to develop your holistic health and you understand the importance of identifying your own strengths and weaknesses.
First and foremost, being realistic about yourself gives you an ability to make better relationship decisions for yourself and ultimately, help you decide if you’re ready for a relationship.
However, not wanting to sound contradictory, there is nothing wrong with expecting certain important qualities from a perspective long-term partner and eventual marital spouse.
It’s equally important to remember that they will (and should) also expect certain qualities in you.
If you’re not willing to give, you should be unwilling to take and like many (with inflexible personalities) it would probably be better to settle for being single, in state 1.
Valuing important qualities
When we are young, inexperienced or emotionally immature, our ‘type’ is usually based on superficial external aesthetics, on how an individual looks.
We should be looking deeper…
Health & fitness
A healthy outlook on life, what we eat and drink, how we exercise and rest, are vitally important, as it helps to lay the foundation which we need to build on.
We need to understand their place in the rich list, we also need to watch out for individuals who spend an inordinate amount of time exercising, as it can be an indication of an individual compensating for other problematic areas of their lives.
Equally, we should also be aware of the warning signs concerning individuals who do not consider the importance of health and fitness.
Keeping a job, building a career, having a good sex life, having healthy children, building strong families, all require a good level of health and fitness.
Inner confidence and natural beauty
Individuals who embrace their natural beauty exhibit their inner confidence externally.
It shows emotional and mental strength and an ability to resist societies stereotypical definitions of cosmetic beauty, in males as well as females.
An individual who is comfortable in their own skin, who believes the truth (that they are beautiful as they are) is one who will not be easily swayed by public opinion and one who can see the beauty of others, without the ‘fake-up’ or ‘fakery’ of unnecessary cosmetic surgery and so-called beauty products.
Yes, there is an obvious need to find an individual clean and attractive, however, it’s important to remember that we become accustomed to external aesthetics very quickly.
It’s more important to identify and love the beauty of a persons nature, character and personality.
Over the duration of a relationship, they will become qualities which outshine how a person looks.
Shared beliefs and values
Type can also include the obvious attributes of ethnicity, colour and nationality, however, what a person believes, what life philosophies and values they hold are even more important.
We can share the same ethnicity and colour as someone but value and believe different things.
It could be argued, that people who hold a firm spiritual belief and way of life, or strongly held religious beliefs (which include politics and even sports related affiliations) should look more at what others believe and value, rather than the colour of their skin or other external physical attributes.
Among other things, what do you think about God, sex, infidelity, injustice, poverty, crime, the treatment of senior citizens, the treatment of the young, abortion, war, charity, foreign aid, the death penalty and the concepts of love and forgiveness?
Those are important life issues which the serious and mature take into consideration, much more important than having a physical type.
Relationships are usually made and cemented or broken, based on the compatibility of beliefs and values.
Balanced attitude to work and money
Employment, unemployment, following a dream within entrepreneurship, saving, spending, a job versus career, earning potential and more…
It would be a lie to say that money is not important, the ancient Romans left an historical legacy which made sure it would be.
Obviously, finances are needed in order to pay bills and taxes, it’s important to find compatibility in a relationship with someone who holds similar values concerning money, as you do.
Unfortunately, the fact is, money, the lack of money, an inability to afford somewhere to live or serious debt, are main contributors to the end of many relationships and results in marriages ending in divorce.
Mention the word stamina and most people will immediately think of physical (exercise endurance) or sexual (performance) stamina.
Both are important for personal health and well-being as well as combined couple health and well-being, especially sexual stamina.
I will be taking a more explicit look into sex, however, the stamina I’m referring to is ‘emotional’ stamina.
A relationship cannot endure without emotional stamina, it’s needed for couples to appreciate the highs (without taking them for granted) as well as helping couples to get through the low and hard times.
Those lows could include, unfaithfulness, serious illness, unexpected disabilities, the death of a loved one, job losses, enforced down sizing, dealing with unexpected financial losses or gains and its negative effects and even having to place an importance on practical necessities, rather than the leisurely fun activities a couple was once used to.
Life issues need emotional stamina to deal with them (especially the negative ones) and those who possess that stamina have an incredible strength, which can be counted on, to get through and overcome those hard times.
Emotional stamina can be easily identified in an individual…Observe how do they handle adversity and how they respond to negative situations and circumstances.
As I mentioned in the extended introduction, there is no complete universal relationship plan which fits everyone.
However, If looking for a long-term partner, it’s obvious that the serious, should be looking for the above qualities and a few more.
Phil Gayle – © Copyright For Singles and Couples. All rights reserved 2019
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